you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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