Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
