Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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