i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.