yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.