I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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