Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
