he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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