Sry I called you an 8
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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