did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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