I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
