my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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