Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
