so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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