I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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