Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am one with the molecules
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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