Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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