Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
