I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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