i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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