Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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