Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
