dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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