I faked an abortion last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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