You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I should be sponsored by Trojan
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
