I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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