Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
