ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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