i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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