yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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