I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
