i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
