I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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