I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
