We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
