why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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