Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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