did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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