did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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