dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
