if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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