then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
