My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
