Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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