i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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