Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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