i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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