I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You dont lie about slip and slides
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
