I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
