So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
