She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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