You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
