I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
