Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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