if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
