I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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