By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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